The Revolution Begins

Thanksgiving

2004-10-11T19:15:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it's the usual deal this year. Go to my aunt's house, take my dog with us, watch her get tortured by Ricci (my youngest cousin), watch my dad and uncle do some of that sweet Korean barbequeing (barbequing??), eat, and read. And watch my dog get tortured some more.

Yeah, but honestly, it's become so...boring now. I remember when I was a kid, we all used to go to this huuuuuge park, take my uncle's barbeque grill and barbeque at the park. The park would have huge oak trees and a lake with these flowers and stuff. I wish we could do that again. That used to be fun. Everything was fun when you were a kid.

Which reminds me, everything is so great until you hit seventh grade. Before, you were friends with everyone, you talked to everyone and you didn't have these little cliques. But, in seventh grade, everything changes. Guys start to like girls, girls start to like guys. Girls start to wear make-up and say, "Hello, biological clock! Wakey-wakey!" and guys start to say, "The best part of waking up is testosterone in your cup!" Literally. They've said stuff like that. And now that I think about it, I actually talked with people I never talk to these days. Like Jason. I used to talk to him and I was his really good friend in grade six, but in grade seven, we just stopped talking altogether.

Life sucks.

It really does. Sigh. I wish this weekend was over. I wish I could go back to school where I feel like I have a purpose and friends. -_- Okay, well, I hope everyone had a better Thanksgiving than me. I celebrated it last night at my aunt's house with my relatives. And it's my brother's fault I had to work all day today because he spent the entire weekend at his friend's house and couldn't finish his science project which is due tomorrow. Anyways...see you..

Turn it inside out so I can see the part of you that's drifting over me. When I wake, you're...you're never there. And when I sleep, you're...you're everywhere. Tell me how I got this far. Tell me why you're here and who you are cause everytime, you're never there. And everytime I sleep, you're always there cause you're everywhere to me. When I close my eyes, it's you that I see. And you're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone. I recognized the way you make me feel. I start to think that you might not be real. I sense the water's getting deep. I try to wash the pain away from me. When I touch your hand, it's then I understand that beauty lives within. It's now that we begin. You always light my way. Whenever comes I day, no matter where I go, I always feel you so cause you're everywhere to me. When I catch my breath, it's you that I breathe. You're everywhere to me. You're everyone that I see. So, tell me, do you see me? - "Everywhere"

Why Can't I?

2004-09-26T13:05:00.000-04:00

Sooo...I threw up when I realized we had a science test on Wednesday and not on Friday, like I thought. We actually have a history test on Friday. And a Bible test on the Monday/Tuesday after. Agh! And I really did throw up. My bacon sandwich came up.

Anyways...(Looks around) Okay, there's a guy. I admit it. Sigh. A guy. A very nice guy. A cute guy. A guy who acknowledges my existence when I say, "Hi" or when I wave to him in the hall. A guy who knows my name! God. (Bangs head against the wall.) The worst part of it just that they flirt with him all the time. Whenever I see him, I see them hanging around, just waiting. Like on Friday, Earl Bales Day, the day where our school goes to Earl Bales Park to play games and stuff. I saw him. I talked to him. Twice. And the second time, they just had to come and I just had to shut up and pretend I didn't exist. Jeez, what is wrong with me?

Heh, at least it's not like last year and when I had that stupid crush on Park. Haha, what an idiot I was. Park didn't know my name. Or that I existed. I was just some nerd on the wall you could ask for help in French whenever you wanted and took for granted. He doesn't do that. He knows who I am. And...I don't know. I think I'm PMSing like really badly. Hehe, I remember when Jasmine kept bugging me to talk to him.

Me: I can't..
Jasmine: GO!!! Now!!
Me: No...
(They come over and start talking to him.)
Me: Damn it.
Jasmine: What?
(She looks over to him and sees them talking to him.)
Jasmine: Oh. (She's got that frustrated/exasperated look -_-) That's why you have to talk to him while you can.

Later...
Jasmine: Go on! He's there by himself!
Me: Um..
Jasmine: Fine. Whatever. Don't complain to me that you can't talk to him.
(Before I can stop myself, I get up and walk over to him. Then, I talk to him. Jasmine's looking around to see where I went. Then, we barely say anything to constitute as a conversation before they come again. I shut up and pretend I don't exist. Jasmine finally sees me. She gives me a thumbs-up. I move my head towards them and him and roll my eyes.)

Later still..(Actually, only ten minutes later...)
(It's almost time to go home now. Jasmine and I are sitting on the bench, playing Truth-Or-Dare. I choose Dare and she makes me [well, not really] go to the center of the field and sing, "We need a little more punctuality", which apparently is some sort of camp song. Anyways, he's sitting on the grass not-so-far-away from the bench. We have these strips of cloth that we had to wear to show which team we were on. I tie mine around my head, ninja-style. He turns and sees me. He smiles. He grins. He uses 40 different facial muscles to make the corners of his mouth curl upwards. I do the same back to him. That's good enough for me.)

Get a load of me, get a load of you. Walking down the street and I hardly know you. It's like we were meant to be. Holding hands, out at night. Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right. I've got someone waiting, too. What if this is just the beginning? Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Isn't this the best part of breaking up? Finding someone you can't get enough of. And someone who wants to be with you, too. It's an itch we know we're gonna scratch. But wouldn't it be beautiful? Here we are, at the beginning. High enough for you to make me wonder where it's going. High enough for you to pull me out of control. Baby, I am dying...Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Whenever I think about you...- "Why Can't I?"

Remember Them.

2004-09-11T18:33:00.000-04:00

Wow, I haven't been here for like a week. Anyways, I decided today would be appropriate to write an entry here.

Ahem. Anyways, as you all know (I hope), today is the third anniversairy of September 11th. I was asleep at 9:00 a.m., which I'm partly ashamed to say. Anyways, today, I was reading this excerpt from this book called "Your Father's Voice." It's a bunch of letters this woman writes to her three-month-year-old daughter to read when she grows up and the woman's husband was the guy on the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania, I think. Well, it was the one that the passengers took over and crashed to prevent it from causing more damage in NYC and Washington. And the woman's husband is probably the most remembered name (although, I can't remember his name) from the incident because he tried to call the authorities from the washroom plane phone and the last thing they heard from him was, "Let's roll."

And as I was reading this excerpt, I started crying! Oh, I remember his name now. I think it was Jeremy Glick. Well, anyways, I started crying and then...I don't know...I just felt really really really really crappy after that.

Yeah...but, then, I went to the CN Tower with my mom and I didn't feel so crappy after that. They were showing the sets from several movies in this special exhibit thing and they had the Diviniation room set from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"!!! I couldn't believe it!! I sat down at one of the tables and took a bazillion pictures and I was pretending to be in the movie. The crystal balls were actually filled with water and cotton and there's this tiny motor at the bottom of the crystal ball that moves the water inside and it looks like the crystal ball is filled with mist and stuff. It was so awesome! There was this other girl there and we were saying lines from the movie and stuff. I also saw this bar from "Charlie's Angels", Dr. Frankenstein's lab from "Van Helsing", the library from "Haunted Mansion", and loads of other stuff. It was pretty awesome.

And now...I'm doing homework...Which really sucks. So..yah..bye, everyone..

If Only.

2004-09-02T17:29:00.000-04:00

Me working at the computer.

Well, I decided to try out my webcam and actually take pictures with it. WOW! (Sarcasm, people. Sarcasm.) There's a picture of me sticking up the middle finger at the cam, but I deleted it because my dad is probably going to find it and yell at me. Anyways, this is me working at the computer. Obviously. I look horribly pale because the lighting and the brightness of the cam was really weird.

Anyways, It's 5:30 p.m. right now and we (we being me, my brother, my mom, Arnold, Anthony and my aunt) are going to see "Mamma Mia!" at 8:00. I can't wait. My mom is probably the most excited out of all of us because she's never seen a famous musical live on stage before. The only stage performance she's ever seen is Cher's "Farewell Tour" on TV. Which is pretty sad, if you ask me.

And Cherry is being annoying right now because she keeps pulling on my sweater. Oh, now she's chasing after her squeaky toy. This is something very random, being the random person I am. I made a list of things I would get for my family and friends if I had the money:

Louis Vuitton bags for my mom.
Halo 2 Limited Edition for my brother and cousin, Arnie.
A super computer for my dad so he'll never complain about how slow the Internet is sometimes even though we have cable.
Autographed LoTR Extended Edition Box Set for Jasmine.
That "Garfield's 25 Anniversairy: In Dog Years, I'd be Dead" book for Jessica.
Autographed Good Charlotte CD for Lizzie.
Autographed "System of a Down" poster for Anthony.
And for myself: Erm...it's a tie between an J. K. Rowling-autographed "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" book and an autographed "Harry Potter" poster. I'd like both. >D

Yah, that's pretty much it. Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. It'd be so nice if I could get all this stuff for everyone, but I can't. I've just slapped myself back into reality. And who in the world could like "Degrassi: The Next Generation"?! Ugh. You know the world has gone mad when 13-year-olds start complaining about how flat-chested they are. I'm 15 and I'm flat-chested and personally, I don't care. Jesus...

Well, I must go now and laugh at my brother because he's getting braces soon. Hahaha, what a loser. Wait, I had braces. Does that make me a loser?

I miss you. Miss you so bad. I don't forget you. Oh, it's so sad. I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same. I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand. I hope that I can see you again. I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly. Now you're gone. There you go. And somehow, I can't bring you back. Now you're gone. And somewhere, you're not coming back. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same. I miss you. - "Slipped Away."

I Think I've Made My Point.

2004-08-30T21:34:00.000-04:00

So, a bunch of things are about to happen that's going to make life a lot worse. But the worst of the worst is: School. Yup, that one word strikes fear in five-year-olds and fifteen-year-olds alike. It makes us break out into sweat, our breathing to quicken and our hearts beat faster. Then, it drives into insanity so much that we fall over the edge of the cliff and scream like this:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I've made my point.

So, anyways. Lots of stuff going on in my life right now. Lots of soul-searching, if you know what I mean. Of course, there's always daydreaming. Listening to lots of Avril Lavigne for inspiration and staring at Daniel Radcliffe pictures, of course. I seriously can't believe it was two months ago when I was screaming, "THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!! SCHOOL IS OVER!!!!!" Hehe. So, we're going into tenth grade. Another step closer to university. Another step towards graduation. I can't wait till I go to university. I'll be free from my parents!!

I just had a sudden realization: I need money. Lots of money. For that, I need a job. If only school wasn't starting. If only I didn't have a million after-school things to do. If only life was a just a little bit easier. Whatever. I'm getting a job and I'm getting money. Which I desperately need. For something...special. It's really stupid, but I need money for it. Okay, fine. You know what? I need to let it out. I can't hide it forever. Sooner or later, everyone's going to find out. I told James, but he doesn't really care...so...he doesn't count.

Well...I feel really stupid and ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated and mortified for saying this. But, I need the money for...a headshot. No, not that kind of headshot, you dolt! An actor's headshot. You know those pictures with people's faces on them and they give them to their agents and stuff. Yup, I've finally decided to stop procrastinating and actually get into acting. Serious acting. Plays, tv shows, movies, commercials, hell, I'll do it. Yah, so to do that, I need an agent. To get an agent, I need a headshot. And I need money for a headshot. So...yah...that's pretty much it, really. I have some money, but I'll need a lot more than that for a photographer. Well, maybe I should do my own headshots. But professional headshots are lot more...well, professional. But, I guess if I do my own headshots, I can get a set of prints and re-copy them at Kinkos or something. Well, I'll still need money for that. Sigh. Well...if I do get enough money for a photographer, I'll have to wait until next year to actually get my headshots done. Meanwhile, I have drama class to go to.

Try to tell me what I shouldn't do. You should know by now, I won't listen to you. Walk around with my hands up in the air. Cause I don't care. I'm alright, I'm fine. Just freak out, let it go. I'm gonna live my life. I can't ever run and hide. I won't compromise. Cause I'll never know. I'm gonna close my eyes. I can't, watch the time go by. I won't keep it inside. Freak out, let it go. Just freak out, let it go. You don't always have to do everything right. Stand up for yourself and put up a fight. You don't care. Just freak out, let it go. I'm gonna live my life. I'm not going to run and hide. I can't close my eyes. I won't keep it inside. On my own...Let it go. Just let me live my life. I can't ever run and hide. I won't compromise cause I'll never know. Watch the time go by. I won't keep it inside. Freak out, let it go. I'm gonna freak out, let it go. - "Freak Out"

That was so Kick-ASS!

2004-08-26T20:49:00.000-04:00

Well, Wonderland and paintballing was. We (we being me, my brother, his two friends, his friends' friend and his sister, and my cousin) spent Monday at Wonderland and it was kick ass. We went on: Skyrider, Top Gun, Vortex, Jet Scream and other rides, but I can't remember at the moment. Anyways, we spent nearly two hours at the arcade where Anthony was kicking everyone's asses at DDR and Dennis was getting really good at it. The funniest ride we went on was Jet Scream. Hehe, I was sitting beside Anthony. When we did a full 180-degree turn and we went down, I yelled, "I left my frigging stomach up there!!" Hehe. That's our little inside joke now. I got a henna tattoo that cost $13. It's pretty nice, but it's fading a little now. It's a dragon with black wings.

Then, yesterday, we (we being me, my brother, his two friends [Andrew and Dennis], and my two cousins [Anthony and Arnold...no, they're not half-brothers, despite the fact that's what they tell everyone.]) went paintballing. Dude, getting hit by a paintball HURTS. It seriously HURTS. So, anyways, what happened was that we paid and we had to wear these janitor-type-looking suits. We went into the arena and split up into teams. I was hiding most of the time. I'm more of a defender than an attacker. Anyways, we were one minute into the game when I felt this thing hit my leg. It seriously felt like a bullet. But, the paintball didn't explode, so it didn't count as a hit. Then, I heard my brother scream and he got hit right in the knuckles. It was nasty. His knuckles were all red and dotty. Then, we resumed the game. These three kids came (some little kid, his sister and friend) and they joined us. We played attack-and-defend. Then, my brother, Andrew, Dennis, Arnold, Anthony and that little kid (I think his name was Greg) left to get some more ammo. So only I, Olivia (Greg's sister), and Gailin (Greg's friend) were left. Gailin said that the game was still on even though half of us weren't there. So, Olivia and I were hiding inside the wooden castle and Gailin came up. I started shooting at him and hid behind the wall. I was going to walk to Olivia. I turned and at the last second, I saw the paintball coming at me. It hit my middle finger and exploded. IT SERIOUSLY HURT. Now, I have this red and purple bruise on my finger. I got hit in the hip again. My brother got hit in the knuckles and the ribs. Ouch.

Well, it's dinner now. So I must go...Later.

Can I Kill Myself Now?

2004-08-16T15:05:00.000-04:00

Life is so miserable right now. I just realized school is starting in three weeks, which means I'll have to endure nine long, torturous, depressing, agonizing, excruciating, awful, pitiful, miserable, stupid months of my mother nagging me over my sleep-deprived body, screaming and yelling at me to work harder. Sigh. What's worse is that we have the Literacy Test thingamajig this year. Double sigh. We have Mr. Lee for science, which means I'm going to fail; Mr. Vermont for math, which also means I will fail even though math is my best subject; I have to join orchestra this year because my mother wants me to go to Europe; I'm going to fail Bible...again; and I am dreading taking accounting. Can I kill myself now?

I've wasted my summer vacation working and studying for stupid school and going to fricking summer school when I could've been doing more meaningful things like spending more time with friends, going to the pool, biking around, walking Cherry, sleeping in, reading the list of books I compiled at the end of school...

Geez. I must be seriously PMS'ing right now because every little thing bothers me and makes me want to strangle myself. Which reminds me, I'm trying to figure out which is the best way to die and/or kill yourself. So far, I think being thrown off an airplane and being impaled on the pointy thing at the top of the Empire State Building sounds good. After all, I've always wanted to free fall from an airplane, so I'll experience this adrenaline rush right before I die.

Okay, that was totally pointless. Well, right now, I'm reading "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and I'm nearly finished "Life, the Universe, and Everything." It is such a funny book. I love it. This is my favourite quote:

[Arthur] sighed and put [the letter T (he's playing Scrabble by himself)] down again. The letter he put it down next to was an I. That spelt IT. He tossed another couple of letters next to them. They were an S and an H, as it happened. By a curious coincidence, the resulting word perfectly expressed the way Arthur was feeling about things just then.

Well, here I am...daydreaming, as always. Being the stupid, weird, demented, Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe-obsessed girl I am. I'm surprised I haven't been relocated into a mental institution. I am in a horrible mood right now. I have to go to my tutor soon and work for three hours with her. I'm going to sleep when I come back home.

Huh? Life just got worse, then good, then bad, then good, then bad...Shut up.

2004-08-10T20:47:00.000-04:00

Right, let's see...This is my list of why life sucks:

It just sucks.
I have parents.
I have parents who really suck.
My life sucks because it just does.
I'm not allowed to do anything unless my stupid parents approve of it.
I'm not 18, which is when I become an adult and I don't have to listen to my stupid parents anymore.
I'm still in school.
I'm only 14.
I go to a stupid school.
Everyone is expecting me to become a famous fricking doctor who finds a cure for cancer, asthma, allergies, the common cold and retires at the age of 20.

Well...this is my list of why life can be great:

I live in Canada.
I'm not starving.
I have the privilege of going to school and "learning" if that's what you want to call having to listen to boring teachers rant about God and the Devil all day long.
I can read, add, subtract, multiply and divide.
I have friends...(Raises arms in celebration) Yay!
I have a family...not a great one, but a family...
I have a frigging computer.
I'm kind of running out of ideas here...I'm good at math. I don't know why that's a good thing...
I have a dog. I don't know why that's a good thing, too.
Uh...I can eat McDonald's whenever I want to.

Yeah, honestly, I can't decide which list is better. They both come pretty close. I guess I'll have to say it's a tie, which means, once again, I am stuck between deciding whether life sucks or rules. Sigh. Maybe it's not that life sucks or rules. Maybe it's just that nothing exciting ever happens to me. I think I'm too impatient and I want exciting things to happen. Whatever. I'm going to sulk in front of the TV now.

Day Five

2004-08-03T22:48:00.000-04:00

Day Five (Sunday, August 1, 2004):

6:45 a.m. - Woke up.

7:15 a.m. - Went down for breakfast.

9:00 a.m. - Arrived at this place where we were supposed to hike or something. Travelled down about a billion steps and then walked around for about an hour. Poor Mom. She was wearing platform shoes. She kept telling me not to walk so close to the edge because it was a stone pathway and it was really slippery because there was water everywhere. There were huge waterfalls and stuff. James and I were poking these spiders with really long legs. I think they were Daddy Long Legs, but I'm not sure. I would've picked them up, but I didn't know if they were poisonous or not.

10:00 a.m. - Finished hike and went back to the bus. My feet were killing me.

11:00 a.m. - Arrived at lunch. Another Chinese buffet place.

12:00 p.m. - Left. Slept some more. Read some more.

2:00 p.m. - Arrived at this outlet mall, which was really boring. I saw Andrea Mak there. It was very odd because first of all, we were still in the US. Secondly, the outlet mall was in the middle of nowhere. But, we were in the US Niagara Falls area, so I guess it wasn't that much of a coincidence. But, still, it was strange seeing her.

3:30 p.m. - Left for the border, which was really close.

4:14 p.m. - Arrived at the border and took a while to get across.

5:30 p.m. - Arrived in this Korean wine store. James wanted to try the wine because they were letting everyone sample it. Then, we went to Missisauga to drop some people off.

7:00 p.m. - Arrived in North York and finally went home. There's no place like home!

Day Four

2004-08-03T22:34:00.000-04:00

Day Four (Saturday, July 31, 2004):

7:00 a.m. - Woke up

7:15 a.m. - Went to breakfast. The bagels were rock hard. Literally.

8:00 a.m. - Left the hotel. I didn't know where we were going and I was so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open while reading "Goblet of Fire" for the second time.

9:30 a.m. - Arrived at this cavern place. It was an underground tour of this huuuuuge cave with stalacites and stalagmites everywhere. James was pretending to get impaled on some of them. Mom kept asking me about how they were formed and stuff. Then, Mom got pissed at James because he was pretending one of stalacites had fallen on his head and split him in half. I thought it was funny. Some of them were really weird looking, actually. One looked like ice cream. James said it looked like a pile of...well, you know.

10:30 a.m. - Left the caves. Read "Goblet of Fire". Finished half of it and listened to some music. Slept some more. I didn't know where we were going. I think we started to go back north to New York and Boston because we were driving for so long. I slept some more, read some more, whined some more, breathed so more...you get the picture. But, I mostly slept.

1:00 p.m. - We stopped in the middle of nowhere for lunch. The spaghetti was so nasty because the tomato sauce was really sour. Called Dad, but he wasn't at the store. We didn't have time to call home because we had to leave.

6:00 p.m. - That's how long we were driving. I think we passed through New York at around 3:00 p.m. and we were now at Boston or at least halfway there. We stopped at this awesome glass museum, where everything was made out of glass. Duh. Then, James and I watched this amazing flamework show where this old dude made a glass figurine of a dog in front of us. It was so cool! He used this blue flame and glass tubes and voila! A glass dog. It was really freaky, but cool. I bought this really nice glass windchime. Then, we set off for dinner.

7:00 p.m. - Stopped in the middle of nowhere for dinner at this Chinese buffet. They had really good skewered chicken and noodles. I ate so much.

8:00 p.m. - Arrived at the hotel. Watched part of "Dreamcatcher" on TV before getting so freaked out that I told James to watch something else. We ended up watching this Discovery Channel-like show where they talked about psychic healings. Mom forced me to do sit-ups until I collapsed. I did a 100 before I collapsed. I'm so proud.

11:00 p.m. - Fell asleep.

Day Three

2004-08-03T22:21:00.000-04:00

Day Three (Friday, July 30, 2004):

7:00 a.m. - Woke up extremely tired.

7:30 a.m. - Ate breakfast.

8:00 a.m. - Left for Washington. Slept and read.

12:30 p.m. - Ate lunch. The soup was bland, no matter how much salt I put in it. But, I didn't say anything and Mom embarrassed me by telling everyone how I don't eat much Korean food, so I wouldn't know. God...

2:00 p.m. - Arrived at the Smithsonian Space and Aircraft building. Huge airplanes and real nuclear missiles in there. James was drooling when he saw the nukes in there.

2:45 p.m. - Passed the Pentagon and saw this huge tower with a pointy top. I forgot what it's called and its significance.

3:10 p.m. - Arrived at the Smithsonian Natural History building. They had a massive collection of pre-historic and modern animal skeletons, diamonds that are bigger than my hand and the most hairiest tarantulas and black widows I've ever seen. It was awesome.

5:20 p.m. - Went inside the Jefferson Memorial. I told to bring a pair of running shoes and not wear those bloody high heels because there were a million steps we had to climb. The statue of Jefferson was huge. There was even a sign saying, "QUIET. RESPECT PLEASE." I wish I had taken a picture of that.

5:45 p.m. - Went inside the Lincoln Memorial. Another one or two million steps to climb. James was complaining so much and I kept him annoyed by calling him a weakling. Everyone was so quiet in the Lincoln Memorial. Some were looking up at the statue like it was their god. Well, I kind of understand. After all, he was one of the greatest government leaders the world has ever seen. I can't say I hate Americans or their government. They're just not doing as well as their predecessors. And their policies are bit...inconsistent. But, I can't say anything because of the bloody Liberal government here in Canada. Sigh.

6:00 p.m. - Went to the White House. I wish we had gone inside. There were news cameras everywhere and James and I had to fight the urge to jump in front of the cameras and flash the peace sign while wearing stupid grins. Hehe.

6:30 p.m. - Went to dinner.

9:00 p.m. - Arrived at the hotel and watched "S.W.A.T" on HBO.

11:00 p.m. - Went to sleeeeeep.

Day Two

2004-08-01T19:40:00.000-04:00

Day Two (Thursday, July 29, 2004):

7:00 a.m. - Woke up and got dressed.

7:10 a.m. - Had breakfast. The bacon was really hard to chew.

8:00 a.m. - Got on the bus. I'm sitting on the aisle seat. The woman beside me is trying to get her son to switch seats with her so that he can talk to me. But, he only speaks Korean and I don't speak it very well, so I told her that. Still, it's too bad he doesn't want to switch seats. He's kinda cute. We started watching "Spiderman" because it takes place in Manhattan and Times Square appears in it.

12:30 p.m. - Arrived in Manhattan. Went to the UN Head Office. Apparently, they have these sculpture things that symbolize their anti-war message. There's this huge golden sphere (I call it the Golden Globe. Get it? If you don't, you're an idiot.) Anyways, there are two chunks of it missing and our tour guide told us that it represents the two world wars that took a piece of the world away. Right. I like the other sculpture which is a rifle and the barrel part of it is twisted into a knot. Obviously, it's saying, "Make love, not war."

12:49 p.m. - Cab count: 25 (This is a little thing I made up on the bus. I decided to count how many cabs I find in a minute at a randomly chosen time.)

1:00 p.m. - Went to lunch. I'm so hungry! Cab count: 44 All I can see is yellow. Ate some spicy soup with rice and tofu. Apparently, you're supposed to sip the soup and not drink it in big gulps, which is what I did.

2:00 p.m. - Went to Rockfeller Center. Very cool looking shops there.

2:05 p.m. - Cab count: 15

2:30 p.m. - Passed NBC and CBS studios.

2:50 p.m. - Got to Times Square, which is what I was really looking forward to. Their HMV shop is bigger than Staples or even Home Depot. Passed a Broadway theatre that said, "Alfred Molina in 'Fiddler on the Roof'!" I couldn't believe it. Doc Ock from "Spiderman 2" was going to be in a musical!!?!?! Hahahahaha! James and my mom didn't know why I was laughing so hard.

3:00 p.m. - Went on a ferry ride to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. My mother couldn't speak when she saw Lady Liberty because apparently, it's been her dream to see Lady Liberty ever since she saw a picture of the statue when she was 5. Right.

5:00 p.m. - Went to dinner.

6:00 p.m. - Went to Empire State Building. I had a heart attack when I reached the top floor and looked out the window. But, the sun was starting to set, so the view was breathtaking. Mom embarrassed us (me and James) several times. First, she passed the elevator that security was directing us to and the guard was like, "Uh...ma'am??" Then, she walked down a restricted hallway because she insisted that the hallway would lead us outside. Then, she knocked over this lady while getting in line to have our picture taken in front of an Empire State Building backdrop. Sigh.

8:30 p.m. - Called Dad and talked. Told us that Cherry scratched him by accident while he was cleaning the kitchen.

9:00 p.m. - Began to drive to the hotel. Watched the rest of "Spiderman".

10:00 p.m. - Arrived at the hotel and was totally exhausted.

11:00 p.m. - Slept.....................

Day One

2004-08-01T19:32:00.000-04:00

Day One (Wednesday, July 28, 2004):

6:00 a.m. - Woke up with a massive headache. I shouldn't have stayed up reading "Harry Potter." Total hours of sleep: 3 hours. Packed stuff and hid "Goblet of Fire" in my pillow case. I nearly forgot my retainer and notepad.

6:30 a.m. - Dropped Dad off at work and waited for Grandpa to come and take us to the meeting place. Mom found "Goblet of Fire" in my pillow case and refused to let me take it. Got really pissed and eventually, she gave up and let me take it. Hehe. In the end, you just can't separate me and Harry Potter.

7:00 a.m. - Grandpa came and dropped us off at the meeting place. It wasn't far from my house. It was a block away from Empress Walkway, but still, Mom was planning on us walking there with a bloody huge suitcase and several lumpy backpacks. Glad we didn't.

7:30 a.m. - Left and arrived at Missisauga (Square One) to pick up other people. Was really tired, but couldn't sleep. Started reading "Goblet of Fire" and listened to some music.

10:30 a.m. - Arrived at the border. Took a bloody long time. Really scary lady asked us why our dad wasn't with us. James was like, "Uh...he has to work, so he couldn't come with us." She was literally in James's face. Mom told us that she had to ask because there are people who try to run away from their spouses with their kids. Haha.

10:50 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. - Read "Goblet of Fire". Listened to Linkin Park. Started writing chapter 5 of my original fiction. Stopped at 5 different service stations. The McDonald fries taste different...Ate loads of mini-Oreos and chocolate. Watched a movie where Matt Damon says the f-word every five seconds...and there were little kids on the bus, too. These people have no decency.

6:45 p.m. - Arrived in Boston. Ate dinner at a Korean buffet and my mouth was burning from eating so much kimchi.

7:30 p.m. - Arrived at M.I.T. We were supposed to go to Harvard and Queen's Market, but the presidential candidates were there doing some speech thingie, so we couldn't go. M.I.T. is HUGE! Huge columns, huge rooms, huge lobby. It smelled like old tofu in there, though. Some of the students there were really annoyed because we were all snapping photos and stuff.

9:00 p.m. - Arrived at the hotel. Our room was leaking water, so I called the front desk. We switched rooms with our tour guide. I watched TV and read "Goblet of Fire".

10:30 p.m. - Called Dad and asked how he was doing. Told us that Grandma insisted that he and Cherry stay over until we come back. Hehe.

10:45 p.m. - Took a half an hour-long shower and watched some more TV.

11:30 p.m. - Fell asleep.

NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-08-01T19:17:00.000-04:00

OH, MY GOD!!!!! NEW YORK CITY ROCKED!!!!!!!!! I HAD SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!! I wish we stayed at New York for all five days, but we only stayed. But, NYC was the best!!!!!!! Well, the following entries are a synopsis of what happened...

What Else Can Go Wrong?

2004-07-18T12:30:00.000-04:00

I'm having a pimple attack. I feel sick and tired all the time. I can't sleep. When I do, I have these nightmarish dreams. And I've been dreaming the same dream for three days straight. What else can go wrong? My mom told me something yesterday that made me feel as if my dream was about to come true. Not in the exact way, but in a parallel way to the dream. I can't believe she actually meant what she said.

She told me that she wish she hadn't married. And that if she had enough money, she'd leave us. I thought she was joking. But, she meant it. I know she did. I don't know why, but my eyes started to water. And I was in the car with my mom, waiting for my cousins because we were going to Fairview. I tried not to cry. But, as soon as my cousins came into the car, I turned away and a tear fell. I guess it's alright for me to say what my dream was.

In this dream I've been having, my mom is dead. I don't know how or why she died. I just know she's dead. And I'm in the car with my father and he's driving somewhere. I say to my dad, "I miss her." And my dad says, "Me, too." Then, we both start crying. That's the first time I've seen my father cry, reality or not. "Do you want to go visit her?" he asks me and I nod. And for some bizarre, twisted reason, my dad drives to a car dealership place and my mom is sitting in one of the cars! So, I run up to her and I'm practically wailing by now. I tell her to come back. And she tells me she loves me and that she's very proud of me and she's watching over me. (Cheesy city, I know, but what the hell?) I start crying even more and she says that she has to go. So, she drives away in the car and I try to follow her, but I can't. Then, I wake up and my pillow is soaking wet. And that's happened three times.

I don't know what this fricking dream means. I just want it go away. Every time I wake up from that dream, I wish that my mom would come and hug me like she used to do when I was a kid and I had a nightmare. I understand why you have nightmares or bad dreams. I think I read somewhere that you have them when you're stressed/depressed/anxious about something. But, the same one for three days straight? I don't know why that happens.

I cannot find a way to describe it. It's there, inside. All I do is hide. I wish that it would just go away. What would you do if you knew? What would you do? All the pain I thought I knew, all the thoughts lead back to you. Back to what was never said. Back and forth inside my head. I can't handle this confusion, I'm unable. Come and take me away. I feel like I am all alone. All by myself, I need to get around this. My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you. If I show you, I don't think you'd understand, cause no one understand. All the pain I thought I knew, all the thoughts lead back to you. I'm going nowhere. I can't handle this confusion, I'm unable. Come and take me away. - "Take Me Away"

It's Never Ok

2004-07-11T19:29:00.000-04:00

Usually, it starts with "Sonia, how was your day?" and I answer "Fine." But, most of the time, it's not. "Good" means that something bad happened. "Fine" means that nothing bad happened but something pissed me off today. "Bad" means it was the most stupidest day of my life and I want to kill myself. But, do people care? Of course not. If I start talking about how awful my day was, my parents just look at me funny and say, "I'm sorry about that, honey." But, they're not. Of course they aren't. Everyone in this world is out for their own good. Everyone in this world is out to save themselves. "Sorry, honey, I can't help you get over depression. I don't want the world to know I have a depressed daughter and think I'm a terrible mother!" Yeah, that's probably what they'd say. I hate them.

I hate them even more now. My mother screws up everything for me. In turn, I screw up everything for her. Today was the day of the auditions at Fairview for "Rant". The math competition ended at 12. I would have arrived at 12:30 and signed up. But, no, my mother changed her mind and decided that we wouldn't go. Why? Because I have to go my tutor. It's all her fault. She KNEW that I wanted to go BEFORE my tutor called and said that she could meet me today. I got so pissed at her. And my mom is acting like nothing's wrong!

If I had my way, I'd run away. I'd run away far away from here. My parents wear this...this mask. They act as if everything is alright and that our family is perfect, but you know what? IT'S NOT. It's never alright and it's never perfect. Everyone believes that it is, but it's not. I just want to rip the mask off and scream, "HEY EVERYBODY! THIS IS WHAT WE REALLY LOOK LIKE!!!!!!!!!!" How can they look at themselves in the mirror without saying, "I hope you go to hell!" How?! I can't. It's always about them. "Sonia, don't do that. What will people think?" "Sonia, don't do this. People will think you're weird." No, they actually mean that people will think that my parents are weird and they're too self-conscious to let their guard down.

The first thing my dad said to me last night before I went to bed was, "Sonia, do try to win the contest." I was so shocked. My dad isn't like that. At least, I didn't think he was. I was so shocked. My father is just as awful as my mother. He is the same conniving, self-absorbed, egocentric, money-craving jerk that my mother is. My father always takes my mother's side. But, that's not as bad as being the same as her. I hate the both of them. Before, it was only my mom. But, now it's the both of them that I hate.

I'm giving up on everything because you messed me up. You don't know how you've screwed it up. You never listened and that's just too bad cause I'm moving on. I won't forget that you were the one that was wrong. I need to step up and be strong. Have you forgotten everything that I wanted? Gotta get away. There's no point in thinking about yesterday. It's too late and it will never be the same. We're so different now. If only I could run away. Have you forgotten everything that I wanted? Do you get it now? - "Forgotten"

PS: If you're bored, then please read this story I wrote: "My First Suicide Attempt"

!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-07-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

I AM A COMPLETE LOSS FOR WORDS! I WILL PROBABLY BE TYPING THIS ENTRY IN CAPS LIKE THIS AND ENDING EACH SENTENCE WITH AN EXCLAMATION MARK, LIKE SO! I CAN'T BEFREAKINGLIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH, OHMYGOSH!!!! I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!! I AM SO....LOST...Okay, I'll stop typing in CAPS.

But, I seriously can't believe this! This is so great!!!! Oh, my gosh!!! I can't believe this!!!! I can't believe I found out about it!!!!! This talk show for teens, called "Rant", is holding auditions for teenagers to host the show and talk about teenage issues on July 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my mom is letting me go!!!!!!!!!!! But, the bad thing is this: I have a math competition on that day, and it'll probably end at 1:00, and that's when the auditions start. And the math competition is downtown and it'll probably take me half an hour to get to the auditions. And what if there are going to a lot of people there? They said that they were only going to audition fifty people because they don't want to end up auditioning hundreds of us. But, STILL!!! OMG!!!!!!!!

I was just watching TV when the commercial for the auditions came on!!! Omigosh!!!!! I still can't believe this!!!!! Even if I don't get on the show, I'll know what it'll be like auditioning for shows, movies, etc...Oh, my gosh!!!! This is so exciting. I have to watch "Rant" today, just to see what the hosts are like and what they talk about and all that other crap. Oh, my gosh!!!!!!! If I wasn't so tired and sleepy, I'd probably be bouncing off the walls and throwing myself out the window, pretending I can swing around like Spiderman.

WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'll go to the auditions like at 9:30 in the morning so that I can ensure a time slot for my audition. I'll put my name at the end of the list so that way, even if I get there like at 1:30 or something, my name will be there. But, hopefully, they will be there at 9:30. Either that, or I'll somehow get someone to go there for me and put my name at the bottom of the list. Oh, my gosh!!!!!!!! I seriously hope I at least get an audition time because I'd rather audition and not get in than not audition at all. Oh, my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe this is happening!!!!!!!!!!! And, it's not even I have to get into character for anything. You're just pretending to host a show!!!!! And all they're going to do is ask questions about a certain topic and you just present your views about it!!!! OHMIGOSH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!! I'm really nervous, though. WOW, I just can't wait!!!

Why do you look so familiar? I can swear I've seen your face before. I think I like that you seem sincere. I think I'd like to get to know you a little more. I think there's something more. Life's worth living for. Who knows what could happen? Do what you do, just keep on laughing. One thing's true, it's always a brand new. I'm going to live today like it's my last day. How do you always know the best way to compromise? We don't need to have a reason. We don't need anything. We're just wasting time. Life's worth living for. Who knows what could happen? One thing's true, it's always a brand new day. I'm gonna live today like it's my last day. Find yourself cause I can't you. Be yourself. Who are you? So, you go and make it happen. Do your best. I'm gonna live today like it's my last day. - "Who Knows?"

Freak Out, Let It Go

2004-06-30T16:36:00.000-04:00

WHOOO!!!! I was planning on writing an entry last night, but my computer got messed. It's actually July 2, but I started typing this post on June 30, so that's the date that'll be displayed. Well, yesterday was Canada Day. I went to watch fireworks at City Hall and Cherry was so scared that she started squealing and nearly pulled my hair out when she tried to get away. So, my dad held her and she kept quiet because my dad is the only who can calm her. But, she was shaking like mad and she accidentally scratched my dad. Haha. People were still setting off fireworks in the park near my house at midnight! It was so annoying. I'd hear this high pitched "whoooooooooo...!", then I'd hear "BA-BOOM!!!!" and there'd be this giant flash of coloured light. Geez. I was trying to sleep. I ended getting only five hours of sleep.

I watched "Spiderman 2" yesterday and it kicked ass!!!!! Tobey Maguire was awesome as Spiderman. I can't wait for the DVD to come out. I have to watch all of the special features. It just really kicked ass. I mean, that was literally a moving piece of art. I can't wait for "Spiderman 3" (which comes out in May 2007, sniff.) I also found out the title of the sixth Harry Potter book, for all my fellow Harry Potter fans out there. The title of the sixth book is...is...Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.Hahaha, if you really want to know, highlight the text. Well, that way, I can practise my HTML.

Anyways, I want to watch "Spiderman 2" again. Jasmine, if you're going to watch it, invite me!! Okay, now I'm bored. I'm sick. I have a fever and the Tylenol is not working. Where is everyone? Probably out, I guess. Yay, summer school ends in eight days. Only eight more days...then, I can go the agency and I really really really really hope I land a job as an extra in something. That'd be so cool. I'd finally be doing something I've wanted to do since I was a kid. I'm listening to my parents talk about something. Apparently, my brother took some weird Internet IQ test and told them what his IQ was. And my dad said that if you have so-and-so IQ, then you're really smart. My mom is telling him that he should encourage my brother. Why don't you do that, Mom? I wish I could give her a taste of her own medicine. See how she'll feel if I treat her like dirt and tell her she can't do anything right. I feel so sick right now. I'm going to sleep on the couch now...

Next time on Sonia's family drama: Sonia's mother kicks her out of the house and Sonia finds a million dollars in an old coat in a dumpster. Sonia runs away to L.A. to pursue her lifelong dreams of meeting celebrities and becoming a part of the movies! No, that won't happen. But, I wish it would.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way. She felt it everyday. I couldn't help her. I just watched her make the same mistakes again. What's wrong now? Too many problems. Don't know where she belongs. She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside. There's no place to go to dry her eyes, broken inside. Open your eyes and look outside to find the reasons why. You've been rejected and now you can't find what you've left behind. Be strong now. Don't know where she belongs. She wants to go home, but nobody's home. There's no place to go, broken inside. Her feelings, she hides. Her dreams, she can't find. She's losing her mind. She can't find her place. She's losing her faith. She's fallen from grace. She's all over the place. It's where she lies, broken inside. There's no place to go, to dry her eyes, broken inside. She's lost inside. - "Nobody's Home"

The Three A's

2004-06-28T21:53:00.000-04:00

I am feeling so much angst, anxiety, and anger right now. Haha, the evil A's. I'm listening to Avril Lavigne and Linkin Park right now, but their music makes me want to throw the monitor out the window. My heart hurts. Like physically. Not just heartache when you're really sad about something. I'm so depressed that my heart hurts me physically.

I just want to know why she doesn't listen to me. "Sonia, please try to understand me." OH SURE, ME TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND UNDERSTAND ME FOR ONCE?! God...I seriously just want to run away. All the way to L.A. and live there forever and forget about my parents. I hate my family! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is so stupid. My mom always - ALWAYS - tells me to have big dreams and catch them. I just don't get it. I hold my emotions too much inside. I need to let it go somehow. Everyday passes and everyday, I do or don't do something I regret. And it's all because I lie all the time about everything. I lie about how I feel, what I'm thinking, what I want, what I need, what I want to do, what I want to say. EVERYTHING. MY LIFE IS ONE BIG FRICKING LIE! Do people understand what it's like to live a lie? I live one life with my friends and everyone outside my immediate family. To them, I'm some weird punkish girl who has anger management problems and huge obssessions about weird stuff like Harry Potter, Spiderman, Matrix, etc. To my family, I'm a girl with an attitude and swearing problem who is expected to pretty and perfect. Sorry, I'd rather take the life I live with my friends, Mommy and Daddy Dearest.

I even lie to my friends sometimes. Sometimes, I lie to them about what it's like with my family. Sometimes, I paint them this awful picture. It's really not that bad all the time. But, sometimes it is. My family can be normal. It's just that when we fight and scream is when we get dysfunctional. And it kind of stays like that for a while. I just want it all go away. Every night, I cry myself to sleep because my parents don't realize how much they hurt me sometimes. Here I am, actually listening to them and following their advice by going after my dreams and they just tear it all down. I just don't understand. Maybe there is something wrong with me and I don't realize it. Or maybe I'm just experiencing normal teenage angst. Is this normal? I don't know.

I looked away. Then, I looked back at you. You tried to say things that you can't undo. If I had my way, I'd never get over you. Today is the day I pray that we make it through. Make it through it all. And I don't wanna fall to pieces. I just wanna sit and stare at you. I don't wanna talk about it. I don't want a conversation. I just wanna cry in front of you cause I'm in love with you. You're the only one I'd be with till the end. You bring me back into your arms. I wanna know who you are, where to start, what this means. Wanna know how you feel, what is real, everything. Don't wanna fall to pieces. Just wanna sit and stare at you. Don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna cry in front of you. Don't wanna talk about you cause I'm in love with you. - "Fall to Pieces"

My walls are closing in.

2004-06-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

I just can't take it anymore. The axe has fallen. I got my report card on Friday and it wasn't pretty. At least, not to my mom. I got 87 for my average and my math and English mark went down horrible from mid-90's to high 80's. I forget the exact mark. Well, anyways, my mom told me that she doesn't care about my average, but she's angry about my math and English marks. I hate her. And she got that paper with the people on the honour roll thing. She asked me if any of them people who got over 90 were in my class. So, I told her Tim is (wink wink nudge nudge, Emma...) Anyways, she asked me about him. And I told her that I didn't really talk to him much, and all I really know is that Em - er, that he was born in Hong Kong...I think. (Hahaha, sorry, Emz. Couldn't resist). Anyways, then she started to go all wacky and crazy and she started telling me how a guy who was born in Hong Kong could get better than me?! So, I stormed up to my room and I cried until my head hurt. Then, I fell asleep.

Ahhh...blissful sleep. Then, she came in and told me to read these books called "Study Secrets" or something like that. I think it's stupid. Then, she launches into her "So-and-so's-son/daughter-told-me-that-he/she-reviews-his/her-schoolwork-every-single-fricking-day" lecture and her "honey-i-love-you-because-you're-my-daughter-but-you-have-to-be-perfect" lecture. I asked her if she would still love me even if I failed everything, sat on my lazy ass all day in front of the TV, and did nothing but eat, drink, breathe, sleep and go to the washroom. And she didn't give me a straight answer. She went into this loooooooong speech about a woman's love for her children. And I said, "You didn't answer my question." She called me ignorant and told me that I was being stupid on purpose so that I can piss her off. Well, the last part was kind of true.

Why does she have to get on my case about EVERYTHING?! "Sonia, don't swear." (Okay, this, I can understand.) "Sonia, don't wear that! What will people think?" (It's JUST a jean chain! And it was a present from Jasmine, too!) "Sonia, be polite in front of guests. And don't make smart alecky comments." (I can say what I want, thank you. Besides, I don't even like the guests. I want them to leave me alone.) "Sonia, you have to study and get a good job and get lots of money." (Oh, sure, so that you can go around to your snobby friends and brag about how great you are.) God. I hate my family. My brother doesn't care about anything except his stupid games and my father always takes my mom's side. And he's annoying at times, too. I wish I could run away. It's not like I haven't tried, but I don't have anywhere to go...I wish my family would disappear. Or that extra terrestrials would come and replace them with clones who are actually nice and caring.

Well, my mother still hasn't talked to my dad about the agencies. I'm going to tell him myself today. I'm going to take back my Panasonic. I don't care if I get in trouble again. My mother is a tyrant. She thinks she can do whatever she wants whenever she feels like it. Does she think I don't have feelings, either? I wish to strangle her. I just...I just can't take it anymore.

I'm not afraid of anything. I just need to know that I can breathe. Suddenly, suddenly, I am small and the world is big. All around me is fast moving, surrounded by so many things. How does it feel? To be different from me? Are we the same? How does it feel to be different from me? I'm young and I'm free. But, I get tired and I get weak. I get lost and I can't sleep. But suddenly, suddenly. How does it feel to be different from me? Are we the same? - "How Does It Feel?"

Blah, this is boring!

2004-06-25T13:04:00.000-04:00

THIS IS SO FRICKING BORING!! I can't stand this anymore. Hahahaha, I had the most coolest, funniest, most AWESOME dream last night. Well, to other people, it won't seem so awesome and cool and funny. But, to me, it's awesome, cool and funny. And if you don't agree, then that's your problem. I told Jasmine about it and she probably thinks I'm waaaaay too obsessed.

So, anyways, this is what happened with my dream. I was at school, summer school, I mean and suddenly, Daniel Radcliffe (That's the guy who plays Harry Potter, for you people who don't know...He's so hot!) Anyhoo, and everyone else from the Harry Potter movies came in. And Daniel just comes over to me and starts talking to me like we were friends our whole lives. It was so damn freaky! And then, I asked him about the next movie (Goblet of Fire) and he said "Oh, it's going great." Then, he asked me to do a review of it when it comes out, for some reason. So, then he - get this! - puts his arm around my shoulders! So then, I go all red and stuff and he's just talking away like we're best friends or something. So, then I think to myself, "Wow, if this is a dream, I don't wanna wake up." Then, I wake up and my mom is shaking me saying, "Sonia...wake up.." Why does she have to go and ruin everything for me?! Why can't she just leave me alone in my own little world where Daniel Radcliffe is my friend?! WHY?! Um...okay...anyways. Little random temper tantrum there.

Okay, I'm back. I went back to the classroom to write the test and now I'm finished, so I'm finishing this post...Sigh. Today, I nearly got run over because I was too busy daydreaming about my dream when I was about to cross the street and this car was coming. Good thing I slapped myself into reality or else I would have been a flat human pancake on the road. Heh heh. I just melt thinking about my dream. Sigh. I feel like an idiot right now, saying that. I can't wait to get home. My bag is heavy and I must bike home. My derriere will hurt when I get home, but oh well. I am going to take a nice, looooong nap when I get home and hopefully, dream some more of Daniel Radcliffe.

I feel so blissful, yet depressed at the same time. I suppose it's because I don't feel like my mother is cooperating with me about the whole agency thing. I don't know why. I called one of the agencies I called before and asked them about fees and money. But, good news! They don't charge anything. It totally depends on what agent you get landed with. They said some don't charge anything for headshots and stuff like that, but some do. And if that's a problem, they said that I can just tell them about it. I'll probably go to that agency. So, anyways, I told my mom, but when I told her, she looked pissed or something. And everytime I mention it, she looks all angry and sad.

Honestly, she's the one who told me to go after my dreams. And she also said that she will always be here to help. So, here I am, going after my dreams and asking for her help. But, she's not cooperating! All the other agencies told me that I need parental consent. Which is a major thing for me...Yeesh, I don't know what to do. I just want to grab her and scream, "I WANT YOU TO HELP ME!!!" She better have at least told my father about it because she said that my father is probably better off going with me. She better or else..

But in the meantime, there are those who wanna talk about this and that. I guess it comes to a point where feelings gotta get hurt. And get dirty with the people spreading the dirt. Tried to give you warning, but everyone ignores me. Call to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me. Told you everything loud and clear. But, nobody's listening. I've got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, hand full of anger held in my chest. Everything left is a waste of time. I hate my rhymes, but I hate everyone else's even more. I'm riding on the back of this pressure. Guessing it's better that I can't keep myself together. Because all this stress gave me something to write on. The pain gave me something to set my sights on. You never forget the blood, sweat, and tears, the uphill struggle over years. The fears and the trash talking and the people it was to. And the people that started it, just like you. - "Nobody's Listening"

Summer school is evil

2004-06-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

Wel, I know that I haven't been blogging for two weeks or whatever, but it's because the first week after exams, I was sleeping in and doing nothing. Then, this week, summer school started. Mr. Radford didn't even tell me it started this Monday. I woke up on Monday morning with a call from Quinnie, who was at school, and I was going mad because I hadn't known.

Well, I found my Panasonic. It was in the kitchen...Again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this. But, if I take it, my mom will know that I took it. Sooo, I'm not quite sure what to do. Maybe I should take it and hide it somewhere..But, she'll probably tear the whole house apart looking for it. Oh, well...If she doesn't give it back to me soon, I'll just take it. It's mine, after all. She can't tell me I'm stealing. If she does, she must be desperate to keep it.

Report cards are coming soon...I'm scared. Possibly tomorrow. I think I failed Bible. Either that, or my mark went lower than it already is. I can't afford that. My average will go down. Then, my mom will ground me again for getting bad marks. I think I did horribly in geography, too. How come everything has to go wrong with me? I think I'm gonna have a nightmare tonight because of my report card. Maybe, I can steal it out of the mailbox before my mom gets it. Haha, that'd be funny.

Erm...I supposed bad report cards aren't the end of the world. If a huge asteroid came and hit the earth and sent us all into oblivion, that'd be the end of the world. Sigh. Still, report cards are making me nervous. There are things a lot worse than that going on with my family right now. My mom tells me that it seems we've hit a bit of a financial turbulence. She's cut two of my brother's tutors AND our piano lessons. I didn't know it was that bad. My dad seems really worried. They told me their lease for their store ends in four years. Well, three now and they're really worried because that's when I'm off to university. I'm sure it'll be okay. Maybe I should convert them into selling health food because nobody's buying their cigarettes and nobody's buying their candy and stuff because they want to stay fit. Hahaha.

At least one good thing happened to me this week. I called three agencies and left a message with one of them. They called back and told me that if a parent can come with me for an appointment, then they might get me in as an extra in something that's filming in Toronto. Well, the first time I asked, my mother threw my calculator on the floor. So, Jasmine, being the ever-so-wise friend she is, told me to speak nicely. So I did. And she said my dad will call them and talk to hem about an appointment. Wheee..I'm so happy! But, she hasn't told him yet and I told her to tell him two days ago. So, if she doesn't tell him, I'll tell him myself.

Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence. Just what we all need: more lies about a world that never was and never will be. Have you no shame, don't you see me? You know you've got everybody fooled. Look, here she comes now. Bow down and stare in wonder. Oh, how we love you. No flaws when you're pretending. But I know that she never was and never will be. You don't know how you've betrayed me. Without the mask, where will you hide? Can't find yourself lost in your lie. I know the truth now. I know who you are and I don't love you anymore. Never was and never will be. You're not real and you can't save me! You don't know how you've betrayed me. And somehow, you've got everybody fooled. - "Everybody's Fool"

WOOHOO!!!!

2004-06-11T10:21:00.000-04:00

Yay, I got into drama class! I'm...happy. I think. Today is Friday. Friday means chilling in front of the TV with a nice cold Diet Coke...Mmmm...But, that's not gonna happen right now because once again, my mother has signed me up for some Kumon math contest thing and she wants me to be "prepared". So, she's forcing me to do some weird math book that was made by math competition writers. Or something like that. Whatever. I don't think the word "vacation" is in my mom's vocabulary.

Well, Friday also means having to go that awful old folks' home. I don't want to go. I never do. Why did I even volunteer there? Oh, yeah, cause my mom made me. She seems to think I can't think for myself and that she's the only who can decide what I can and can't do. I don't know how I put up with her.

Sigh. Yesterday, I could've gone to FV with Jasmine and Jess and Justin to watch "Shrek 2" again. But, I couldn't cause of stupid French school. Which reminds me, I have French summer school. *Panicked look*. Jessica, you traitor! You're leaving me all alone at summer school!!!! I think Emma's going, too.

Lala, I am so bored. There's nothing to talk about. Well, gotta go now. Must eat lunch. And watch TV. Later, peeps.

I've lied to you, the same way that I always do. This is the last smile that I'll fake for the sake of being with you. Everything falls apart. Even the people who never frown eventually break down. The sacrifice of hiding in a lie is never knowing why I never walked away, why I played myself this way. Now, I see, your testing me pushes me away. I've tried everything that you want me to. This is the last time that I'll fake for the sake of being with you. We're all out of time. This is when we find out how it all unwinds. The sacrifice of living in a lie is never knowing why I never walked away. - "Pushing Me Away"

SCHOOL'S OVER!!!!!

2004-06-08T19:37:00.000-04:00

THANK GOD!!!!!!!! School is over at least!!!! Well, except for drama auditions tomorrow. But, that's only for ten minutes, maximum. Heh, Lizzie and I decided to go together, so yeah...I think I failed Bible. Whatever. I don't want to think about that right now. I'm just so deliriously happy that school is over.

Yet, at the same time, I'm depressed. I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with my parents. Or maybe, I'm just having major PMS right now. Heh heh. I don't know. I just want to sleeeeep. I can't wait till Spiderman 2. I even started a little countdown on my MSN screen name. LOL. I just rememebered that my music school is having a concert in three weeks and I must practise if I don't want to screw up like I did last time.

I still hate my parents. Life still sucks. Well, not as much anymore because school is over. Cherry is barking because she wants to go outside. I can't let her go outside because it's too hot and she'll run into the neighbour's backyard. I was playing my brother's guitar. I'm trying to learn "A Place for My Head". I got the first part. I can't get the chorus. It's too hard.

I really should practise for my drama audition tomorrow. I kind of memorized it. Lizzie and I agreed not to take drama if one of us don't get in. I practised once. Yesterday. After exams. And that's all. Whatever. I'm too tired to care. Today, at the computer lab, Park started playing the "Breaking the Habit" video. I was like "Linkin Paaaark!!!!!!!!!!" I practically strangled Park when he closed the video when we had to leave. Hehe. I nearly strangled Justin instead. Well, my brain needs a major cool down. So, I'm gonna veg out in front of the TV now. Bye.

Memories consume, like opening the wound. You all assume, I'm safe in my room. Unless I start to try again. I don't want to be the one the battles always choose cause inside, I realize I'm the one confused. I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way. I know it's not alright. So, I'm breaking the habit tonight. Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door. I try to catch my breath again. I hurt much more, than any time before. I have no options left again. I'll paint it on the walls cause I'm the one at fault. So, I'm breaking the habit tonight. - "Breaking the Habit"

Exams are hell.

2004-06-05T23:16:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I haven't been on for about three days? But, it's because of frigging exams!!!!! At least I'm done half of them. Only four more to go...I'm screaming at Vic about how much I want to watch Harry Potter and Spiderman 2. I can't wait!!!! Lol, Vic is obsessed about some show called "Naruto". I don't wanna know.

Well, I have not much to say. Oh, on Wednesday, when I came home after school, my mom looked through my bag and took out all the stuff from my locker. Unfortunately, she also found my Panasonic. Unfortunately, she took it. So...yah...I looked in the kitchen. I would've LAUGHED if I found it in the kitchen again. But, it wasn't there. So, I looked in her room. But I didn't find it there. So, I'll look in there again when she's not around.

So, anyways.......it is 11:30 and I'm on MSN when I should be studying. I'm multi-tasking. You know what? Screw this. I'll study tomorrow and Monday. A girl's gotta rest, you know? I think I scared Victor. I just told him I love him. Hehehe, sicko. Not that kind of love. He's my friend! Anyways...I must go now. Seriously, I have to study. Bye. This is a really short post. But, whatever. Bye.

I hate my mom.

2004-06-02T17:30:00.000-04:00

My mother is a bitch. I'm sorry, but there is NO WAY IN THE FRICKING WORLD to describe her. I hate her so much. I can't stand her. Every time I look or talk to her, I want to grab a knife and cut my my own head off. ARGH! STUPID POP-UP ADS!!!! I am so pissed right now. I hate her so much. God, please make her disappear somehow! Or better yet, make ME disappear. That'd make me so happy.

You're probably wondering why I'm so pissed. It all started when I got that certificate thing for the math contest and Jacob had won the first place thingie. I wasn't jealous. I mean, I'm happy for him cause he's so nerdy and once is enough, thank you very much. Anyways, I was happy that I at least got ranked within the top twenty-fifth percent. But then, I realized what my mom would say. I didn't know what to expect cause once I did bad on a test and all she said was, "Just do better next time." So, I thought maybe she was going to be nice. After all, I got first place last year. You can't expect me to do well every single fricking time. So anyways.

I called my mom to pick me up and when she came, she asked me if I got anything. So I showed her. And this is how our conversation went.

Mom:You didn't get first place?

Me:No...

Mom:Who got first place?

Me:That dude named Jacob.

Mom:Was he the one who won that Scholastic Challenge last year?

Me:(Thinking: She actually remembered that he won that last year? Holy crap, I didn't even remember) Yeah...

Mom:Did he get first place in all of Canada?

Me:No.

Then, we go to pick up my brother from his school. He can tell that my mom is angry and disappointed. So he asks why. And when we arrive at my music school, my mom tells me that I'm going to have to study more math during the summer. This is how this conversation goes:

Mom:Well? I'm sure you're disappointed as much as I am. Aren't you?

Me:(Silence)

Mom:Well?! Are you happy being only part of the top twenty-five percent?!

Me:(Silence. Thinking: Shut up. It's not the end of the damn world if I don't get first place all the time)I'm perfectly happy.

Mom:Why?

Me:Because I got first place last year. I can't get first place every single time I try. I'm not perfect. At least I got one of the top scores out all the people who did the contest.

Mom:Well, that's not good enough!!!!! (By now, she's screaming) You should have at least gotten first place in your school!!!! You can't even beat 59 other kids!!!! I don't spend all that money on tutors for nothing!!!!!!!!

That's when I start crying. God, she makes me feel like a piece of....crap on the ground that everyone steps on. God, why? Please, just make her go away. Then, she tells me that crying won't help. I don't care. Is she even just faintly aware of what I feel? Yes, I am disappointed. But, I am not going to kill myself over that! I'm crying just thinking about it. Well, I must go study for exams. Bye for now.

Bored in Computer class...

2004-06-01T12:39:00.000-04:00

Lalala, Jasmine says "hi" to you random people out there who read this blog. I am very bored in computer class and it hasn't even started yet. Mrs. Stefan has come in and told us to review chapter 15. I think. I'll study science. Oh, it's actually chapter 13, as Jasmine has informed me. I am wasting valuable time here when I could be at home studying. I must review computer. I don't remember half the stuff we have.

I am very bored. Wait, I said that already. Not much happened. I stayed up till 12:30 last night, studying geography. I am so screwed for that. It's in four days. I think I'll go the library today after school. If I stay at home, I'll never get any work done because my mom will be screaming and Cherry will be barking for attention. Must go to library. At least, at the library, people respect the fact that you're studying and keep quiet. And if they're not quiet, the librarian tells them to shut up. At my house, nobody listens to anyone. So, they're noisy all the time. So, I can't get anything done, which is why I stay up so late sometimes, studying. Sigh. I hate this.

Maybe I'll go Fairview with my cousins after exams. I have to memorize the monologue for drama auditions. I hope I get in. I probably won't. Yawn. Urge to sleep is taking over. No, must studyyyyy...Justin is so lucky. He and the rest of the relay team go to OFSAA on Friday. That's when we have our geography and math exams. They get to miss geography and math!!! But, then, they have to take it anyways. Whatever.

I keep thinking about after exams. I wonder what awful misery my mother has planned for me. At least I'll be away from home for five days a week for four weeks most of the day for French summer school. Halleujah. Park, Josh and JJ are arguing beside me. They're being very annoying. Lots of people are leaving next year, I just realized. Roslyn, JJ, Park, Michelle Kao, Kathyrn. Most of them weren't really my friends except for Roslyn and JJ. Okay, well, I'll keep this post short and go back to studying.

Graffiti decorations under a sky of dust. Another wave of tension on top of broken trust. Lessons that you taught me, I learned were never true. Now I find myself in question. They point the finger at me again. Guilty by association. I wanna run away, never say goodbye. I wanna know the truth, instead of wondering why. I wanna know the answers, no more lies. I wanna shut the door and open up my mind. Paper bags and angry voices under a sky of dust. Another wave of tension has more than filled me up. All my talk of taking action, these words were never true. Now I find myself in question. I wanna run away, never say goodbye. - "Runaway"

Why do they do this to us?!

2004-05-31T16:40:00.000-04:00

Why?! WHY?!?!?!?! Why, God, why?!??! Why do parents have to be so evil and such idiots?! They tell you they want to know what you have to say. When you do have something to say, they don't listen to you! Geez. I hate my life. I'm studying for geography. I. Am. So. Screwed.

Really. I. Am. I. Don't. Know. Why. I'm speaking like this. Whatever. Eating Starburst, as usual. Park better give me back my French notes. I think I forgot some stuff in there, but oh, well. That's his problem. Sigh. There's too much to know for geography and Bible. Oh, my gosh. Bible. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, needed to let my stress and anger out. I have French summer school. I'll be soooo glad when that comes. At least we won't have exams. If we do, I'll kill myself for real. Sigh. School is such a waste of time.

Which reminds me, tomorrow is the last day of classes. Um...yay? I want to stay home. I waste so much valuable time at school when I could be studying. I asked my mom. She was being annoying again and telling me that I have to go to school. She misunderstood me and thought I had said, "I don't have to go to school tomorrow" when I actually said, "I don't want to go to school tomorrow." I should have just let her think that I didn't have to go to school. But, then, the school would have called and asked why I wasn't at school. And that would have seriously screwed things up.

All of my teachers are telling me that I have to ask God for peace and wisdom and determination to get through exams. Maybe I should pray and ask Him to calm me because as you all know, I am just totally freaking out here. I prayed last night. But, it was one of those selfish-sounding prayers where you go, "Please, please, please, please, God, make life easy for me. Amen." I didn't say that, but it was something like taht. Well, I must go now to this evil studying. I'm so screwed. I have to pass or else my mother will kill me. She really will. Maybe I should just let her kill me. That way, I won't have to worry about exams ever again. I'll probably rot in hell if I die. I don't want that. I guess exams are way better than rotting in hell for eternity. Well, bye now.

The drops of rain fall all over. The awkward silence makes me crazy. I'll try to kiss you if you let me. The tears from my eyes, worn and sad. Pick me up now, I need you so bad. It gets me so down. The look in your eyes make me crazy. I'll take you over if you let me. Tidal waves rip right through me. Pick me up now, I need you so bad. - "Down"

I am so bored.

2004-05-30T18:45:00.000-04:00

My brain is in a piece of crap on the floor. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm screwed for geography and Bible. Why can't I just kill myself now? People tell me I have problems. We all do. I'm practically living off of Starburst because it gives me sugar boosts. I have million wrappers all over my desk because I'm saving them up for Lizzie. LOL. Anyways...

I'm so fricking screwed. I'm trying so hard to study. I want to pass. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Maybe I'll stay home and study. I'll fake sick. Oh, wait. We have that French interview thing tomorrow. Dammit. Can't fake sick. Maybe I'll stay home in the morning and come in the afternoon. Jasmine tells me that she's gone insane from studying. Well, that makes two of us. Okay, never mind. She's singing "Home on the Range" off tune. She's more insane from studying than I am.

I don't mind exams. Really, I don't. But what I DO is that they made them so close to the end of school! They don't even give a fricking break between the last day of school and the first day of exams to finalize! Geez. My friends in public schools get breaks. Why can't we? Of course, we're "special" because we're a "private independent Christian school". I really don't care. I just want to sleep and forget aobut everything. If I could, I'd put myself into a cryogenic chamber, put myself to sleep and stay like that forever.

Today, I walked Cherry. Then, I studied. Then, I tried to play the "Alias" video game demo that my brother has. I only got two missions done before I got killed by Anna Espinosa's henchmen. Evil. I can do these kick ass moves like this twirly kick and I can run up the wall Matrix-ian style! Booyah! Okay, I just needed to talk about something more enlightening than exams. My tutor made review questions for me, which I'm supposed to be doing. Sigh. I really should get that done...I will. Seriously. I will. I'll exit this blog and finish them. .....Okay, maybe a couple of more sentences.

Well, I plan to totally veg out as soon as exams are over. Oh, crap. I forgot about that drama class audition thingie. I have to practise. Memorizing it will be a snap. But, practising it. I'll practise in front of Cherry. I refuse to practise in front of the mirror. I mean, how can I without cracking up at the sight of my own face? No, I'm just joking. But, I can't practise in front of the mirror. I'll just practise into thin air. Jasmine just told that I'm lucky I don't have to worry about French. That reminds me, Park asked me to give him my notes for French. I'll probably badger him about how much he owes me. I'll make him buy Starburst for me. Hehe. Well, anyways, I really have to go now. Bye. I think I'll have to put myself in a mental institution after exams.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface. This lack of self-control I fear is never ending. Controlling, it's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again. My walls are closing in. Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take. Against my will, I stand beside my own reflection. It's haunting. Crawling in my skin, these wounds won't seem to heal. Fear is how I fall. Confusing, confusing what is real. - "Crawling"

Studying...

2004-05-29T20:28:00.000-04:00

At least that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Lalala, I finished studying for French. I don't really care about French. I'm worried about geography. I didn't do that well in geography this year. And I'm totally freaking out about Bible. Screw math and computers. I could pass that without studying or even trying. Okay, maybe not computers because I kind of forgot the functions and stuff we need to know. Science should be okay and English, too.

Sigh. Slowly fading away to lala land. I'm blankly staring at the textbook. I think I've been on the same page for about half an hour now. I'm wondering if I should go to Wonderland. I want to ride the Tomb Raider ride. But, I don't really want to go because not a lot of my friends are going. I'll probably end up going to Fairview to watch movies with Jasmine and company.

I wasn't planning on writing two entries today, but oh well. I'm so damn bored that I decided to. Listening to Linkin Park right now to drown out my annoying mother's annoying voice. I love Linkin Park. Their songs are so deep and I totally understand with their lyrics and what they're trying to say. Sigh. That was totally random. Well, this is a shorter entry because I must now go study for the damned exams. Peace.

What do I do to ignore those behind me? Do I follow my instincts blindly? Or do I hide my pride from these sad thoughts that are maddening? Do I sit here and try to stand it? Do I try to catch them red-handed? Do I trust none and live in loneliness? I make the right moves, but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade, but then, I just end up getting hurt again. By myself, I ask why. But in my mind, I find that I can't rely on myself. I can't hold on to what I want when I'm stretched so thin. I'm lost within. - "By Myself"

Yay, it's Saturday!

2004-05-29T10:25:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy it's Saturday. I can study my ass off today without any other homework. I wish exams would come and go. Fast and painless. I'm doomed for Bible. I don't know what to study for and it's all memorization anyways. I can't fit that much stuff into my head!

Well, I signed up for the drama class auditions. I want to go, but at the same time, I don't. I started practising and my mom told me it was good. But, once I start talking in front of a real audience, I'll probably screw up. I hope it's just Mrs. Crouse who watches. I'd die if all the other people auditioning were watching. Blah, everyone tells me that drama has no merit when you grow older. I get pissed whenever I hear that. It's just a course I want to take cause I like acting and drama. Geez, give me a break, people. You don't all have to be so strict and tight-assed. Loosen up.

I have to go to my tutor soon. I don't want to go. I have better things to do than spend two hours with my tutor. Like studying for exams which are in five days! I'm dead! I'm frigging dead! My mom always tells me that I have to do well in school. "Sonia, are you studying hard? Are you reviewing enough? Do you understand everything?" Then, she goes and tells me that I have to do my Kumon worksheets first or my tutor's homework first. I don't have time for that crap. These stupid exams are 30% of my mark! I have to pass if I don't want to fail. And if you don't want me to become a hobo living on the street.

So, anyways, I'm really bored now and I'm daydreaming about summer. I can't wait for summer. Sure, I'll still have to go to stupid summer school...But, still, I can't wait to go biking, swimming, Wonderland. I have tons of movies I'm gonna watch after exams: Spider-Man 2, Troy, Catwoman (?). I'll wait for Van Helsing to come out on DVD. Well, gotta go now. See ya.

I hit you and you hit me back. The rest of the day stands still. Fine line between this and that. When things go wrong, I pretend that the past isn't real. I'm trapped in this memory. And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react. So even though you're so close to me, you're still so distant. And I can't bring you back. It's true the way I feel was promised by your face. The sound of your voice painted on my memories. Even if you're not with me, I'm with you. - "With You"

School sucks.

2004-05-28T20:01:00.000-04:00

Seriously, it does. I mean, nearly all of our ISPs were due two weeks before exams. And they expect us to do well on them. I have to pass Bible. First term was 90, which I was very grateful for. Second term was 75. Because I failed that frigging poster thing. I hate Ms. Carmichael. Seriously...Anyways, I'm half dead right now because I just came back from that old people's home I volunteer at. Old people scare me.

Well, anyways..........today was boring. I still have my Panasonic sitting my bag, being crushed. It's old anyways. I want an MP3 player. But, my stupid mom won't let me. I'd call her a female dog, but I won't. She thinks she can control me and my life. She's the most selfish person I've met. She uses me and my brother and my family to make herself look good. "Sonia, you have to be a doctor so that you can make lots of money and make me look good." Okay, so she doesn't exactly say it like that, but it sure as hell makes you feel like she is. And she makes me feel like a piece of...crap everyone steps on.

"Sonia, (insert a random name here) does soooooooooo well in science. He/she is ten years older than you and you have to be better than him/her!" Geez, what the hell is her problem? Does she think I can be perfect or something? Of course, this is HER family, so we must follow HER stupid rules! I want to kill myself.

Well, now I must go study for exams...Hopefully, my mother won't bother me if I study in my room. Tata!

I cannot take this anymore. I'm saying everything I said before. All these words, they make no sense. I found bliss in ignorance. The less I hear, the less you say, just like before. Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge. I'm about to break. I need a little room to breathe. Wish I could find a way to disappear. All these thoughts, they make no sense. Shut up when I'm talking to you. - "One Step Closer"