Thanksgiving

Yeah, it's the usual deal this year. Go to my aunt's house, take my dog with us, watch her get tortured by Ricci (my youngest cousin), watch my dad and uncle do some of that sweet Korean barbequeing (barbequing??), eat, and read. And watch my dog get tortured some more.

Yeah, but honestly, it's become so...boring now. I remember when I was a kid, we all used to go to this huuuuuge park, take my uncle's barbeque grill and barbeque at the park. The park would have huge oak trees and a lake with these flowers and stuff. I wish we could do that again. That used to be fun. Everything was fun when you were a kid.

Which reminds me, everything is so great until you hit seventh grade. Before, you were friends with everyone, you talked to everyone and you didn't have these little cliques. But, in seventh grade, everything changes. Guys start to like girls, girls start to like guys. Girls start to wear make-up and say, "Hello, biological clock! Wakey-wakey!" and guys start to say, "The best part of waking up is testosterone in your cup!" Literally. They've said stuff like that. And now that I think about it, I actually talked with people I never talk to these days. Like Jason. I used to talk to him and I was his really good friend in grade six, but in grade seven, we just stopped talking altogether.

Life sucks.

It really does. Sigh. I wish this weekend was over. I wish I could go back to school where I feel like I have a purpose and friends. -_- Okay, well, I hope everyone had a better Thanksgiving than me. I celebrated it last night at my aunt's house with my relatives. And it's my brother's fault I had to work all day today because he spent the entire weekend at his friend's house and couldn't finish his science project which is due tomorrow. Anyways...see you..



Turn it inside out so I can see the part of you that's drifting over me. When I wake, you're...you're never there. And when I sleep, you're...you're everywhere. Tell me how I got this far. Tell me why you're here and who you are cause everytime, you're never there. And everytime I sleep, you're always there cause you're everywhere to me. When I close my eyes, it's you that I see. And you're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone. I recognized the way you make me feel. I start to think that you might not be real. I sense the water's getting deep. I try to wash the pain away from me. When I touch your hand, it's then I understand that beauty lives within. It's now that we begin. You always light my way. Whenever comes I day, no matter where I go, I always feel you so cause you're everywhere to me. When I catch my breath, it's you that I breathe. You're everywhere to me. You're everyone that I see. So, tell me, do you see me? - "Everywhere"

Why Can't I?

Sooo...I threw up when I realized we had a science test on Wednesday and not on Friday, like I thought. We actually have a history test on Friday. And a Bible test on the Monday/Tuesday after. Agh! And I really did throw up. My bacon sandwich came up.

Anyways...(Looks around) Okay, there's a guy. I admit it. Sigh. A guy. A very nice guy. A cute guy. A guy who acknowledges my existence when I say, "Hi" or when I wave to him in the hall. A guy who knows my name! God. (Bangs head against the wall.) The worst part of it just that they flirt with him all the time. Whenever I see him, I see them hanging around, just waiting. Like on Friday, Earl Bales Day, the day where our school goes to Earl Bales Park to play games and stuff. I saw him. I talked to him. Twice. And the second time, they just had to come and I just had to shut up and pretend I didn't exist. Jeez, what is wrong with me?

Heh, at least it's not like last year and when I had that stupid crush on Park. Haha, what an idiot I was. Park didn't know my name. Or that I existed. I was just some nerd on the wall you could ask for help in French whenever you wanted and took for granted. He doesn't do that. He knows who I am. And...I don't know. I think I'm PMSing like really badly. Hehe, I remember when Jasmine kept bugging me to talk to him.

Me: I can't..
Jasmine: GO!!! Now!!
Me: No...
(They come over and start talking to him.)
Me: Damn it.
Jasmine: What?
(She looks over to him and sees them talking to him.)
Jasmine: Oh. (She's got that frustrated/exasperated look -_-) That's why you have to talk to him while you can.

Later...
Jasmine: Go on! He's there by himself!
Me: Um..
Jasmine: Fine. Whatever. Don't complain to me that you can't talk to him.
(Before I can stop myself, I get up and walk over to him. Then, I talk to him. Jasmine's looking around to see where I went. Then, we barely say anything to constitute as a conversation before they come again. I shut up and pretend I don't exist. Jasmine finally sees me. She gives me a thumbs-up. I move my head towards them and him and roll my eyes.)

Later still..(Actually, only ten minutes later...)
(It's almost time to go home now. Jasmine and I are sitting on the bench, playing Truth-Or-Dare. I choose Dare and she makes me [well, not really] go to the center of the field and sing, "We need a little more punctuality", which apparently is some sort of camp song. Anyways, he's sitting on the grass not-so-far-away from the bench. We have these strips of cloth that we had to wear to show which team we were on. I tie mine around my head, ninja-style. He turns and sees me. He smiles. He grins. He uses 40 different facial muscles to make the corners of his mouth curl upwards. I do the same back to him. That's good enough for me.)

Get a load of me, get a load of you. Walking down the street and I hardly know you. It's like we were meant to be. Holding hands, out at night. Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right. I've got someone waiting, too. What if this is just the beginning? Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Isn't this the best part of breaking up? Finding someone you can't get enough of. And someone who wants to be with you, too. It's an itch we know we're gonna scratch. But wouldn't it be beautiful? Here we are, at the beginning. High enough for you to make me wonder where it's going. High enough for you to pull me out of control. Baby, I am dying...Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Whenever I think about you...- "Why Can't I?"

Remember Them.

Wow, I haven't been here for like a week. Anyways, I decided today would be appropriate to write an entry here.

Ahem. Anyways, as you all know (I hope), today is the third anniversairy of September 11th. I was asleep at 9:00 a.m., which I'm partly ashamed to say. Anyways, today, I was reading this excerpt from this book called "Your Father's Voice." It's a bunch of letters this woman writes to her three-month-year-old daughter to read when she grows up and the woman's husband was the guy on the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania, I think. Well, it was the one that the passengers took over and crashed to prevent it from causing more damage in NYC and Washington. And the woman's husband is probably the most remembered name (although, I can't remember his name) from the incident because he tried to call the authorities from the washroom plane phone and the last thing they heard from him was, "Let's roll."

And as I was reading this excerpt, I started crying! Oh, I remember his name now. I think it was Jeremy Glick. Well, anyways, I started crying and then...I don't know...I just felt really really really really crappy after that.

Yeah...but, then, I went to the CN Tower with my mom and I didn't feel so crappy after that. They were showing the sets from several movies in this special exhibit thing and they had the Diviniation room set from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"!!! I couldn't believe it!! I sat down at one of the tables and took a bazillion pictures and I was pretending to be in the movie. The crystal balls were actually filled with water and cotton and there's this tiny motor at the bottom of the crystal ball that moves the water inside and it looks like the crystal ball is filled with mist and stuff. It was so awesome! There was this other girl there and we were saying lines from the movie and stuff. I also saw this bar from "Charlie's Angels", Dr. Frankenstein's lab from "Van Helsing", the library from "Haunted Mansion", and loads of other stuff. It was pretty awesome.

And now...I'm doing homework...Which really sucks. So..yah..bye, everyone..

If Only.

Me working at the computer.

Well, I decided to try out my webcam and actually take pictures with it. WOW! (Sarcasm, people. Sarcasm.) There's a picture of me sticking up the middle finger at the cam, but I deleted it because my dad is probably going to find it and yell at me. Anyways, this is me working at the computer. Obviously. I look horribly pale because the lighting and the brightness of the cam was really weird.

Anyways, It's 5:30 p.m. right now and we (we being me, my brother, my mom, Arnold, Anthony and my aunt) are going to see "Mamma Mia!" at 8:00. I can't wait. My mom is probably the most excited out of all of us because she's never seen a famous musical live on stage before. The only stage performance she's ever seen is Cher's "Farewell Tour" on TV. Which is pretty sad, if you ask me.

And Cherry is being annoying right now because she keeps pulling on my sweater. Oh, now she's chasing after her squeaky toy. This is something very random, being the random person I am. I made a list of things I would get for my family and friends if I had the money:

• Louis Vuitton bags for my mom.
• Halo 2 Limited Edition for my brother and cousin, Arnie.
• A super computer for my dad so he'll never complain about how slow the Internet is sometimes even though we have cable.
• Autographed LoTR Extended Edition Box Set for Jasmine.
• That "Garfield's 25 Anniversairy: In Dog Years, I'd be Dead" book for Jessica.
• Autographed Good Charlotte CD for Lizzie.
• Autographed "System of a Down" poster for Anthony.
• And for myself: Erm...it's a tie between an J. K. Rowling-autographed "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" book and an autographed "Harry Potter" poster. I'd like both. >D

Yah, that's pretty much it. Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. It'd be so nice if I could get all this stuff for everyone, but I can't. I've just slapped myself back into reality. And who in the world could like "Degrassi: The Next Generation"?! Ugh. You know the world has gone mad when 13-year-olds start complaining about how flat-chested they are. I'm 15 and I'm flat-chested and personally, I don't care. Jesus...

Well, I must go now and laugh at my brother because he's getting braces soon. Hahaha, what a loser. Wait, I had braces. Does that make me a loser?

I miss you. Miss you so bad. I don't forget you. Oh, it's so sad. I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same. I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand. I hope that I can see you again. I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly. Now you're gone. There you go. And somehow, I can't bring you back. Now you're gone. And somewhere, you're not coming back. The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same. I miss you. - "Slipped Away."

I Think I've Made My Point.

So, a bunch of things are about to happen that's going to make life a lot worse. But the worst of the worst is: School. Yup, that one word strikes fear in five-year-olds and fifteen-year-olds alike. It makes us break out into sweat, our breathing to quicken and our hearts beat faster. Then, it drives into insanity so much that we fall over the edge of the cliff and scream like this:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I've made my point.

So, anyways. Lots of stuff going on in my life right now. Lots of soul-searching, if you know what I mean. Of course, there's always daydreaming. Listening to lots of Avril Lavigne for inspiration and staring at Daniel Radcliffe pictures, of course. I seriously can't believe it was two months ago when I was screaming, "THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!! SCHOOL IS OVER!!!!!" Hehe. So, we're going into tenth grade. Another step closer to university. Another step towards graduation. I can't wait till I go to university. I'll be free from my parents!!

I just had a sudden realization: I need money. Lots of money. For that, I need a job. If only school wasn't starting. If only I didn't have a million after-school things to do. If only life was a just a little bit easier. Whatever. I'm getting a job and I'm getting money. Which I desperately need. For something...special. It's really stupid, but I need money for it. Okay, fine. You know what? I need to let it out. I can't hide it forever. Sooner or later, everyone's going to find out. I told James, but he doesn't really care...so...he doesn't count.

Well...I feel really stupid and ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated and mortified for saying this. But, I need the money for...a headshot. No, not that kind of headshot, you dolt! An actor's headshot. You know those pictures with people's faces on them and they give them to their agents and stuff. Yup, I've finally decided to stop procrastinating and actually get into acting. Serious acting. Plays, tv shows, movies, commercials, hell, I'll do it. Yah, so to do that, I need an agent. To get an agent, I need a headshot. And I need money for a headshot. So...yah...that's pretty much it, really. I have some money, but I'll need a lot more than that for a photographer. Well, maybe I should do my own headshots. But professional headshots are lot more...well, professional. But, I guess if I do my own headshots, I can get a set of prints and re-copy them at Kinkos or something. Well, I'll still need money for that. Sigh. Well...if I do get enough money for a photographer, I'll have to wait until next year to actually get my headshots done. Meanwhile, I have drama class to go to.

Try to tell me what I shouldn't do. You should know by now, I won't listen to you. Walk around with my hands up in the air. Cause I don't care. I'm alright, I'm fine. Just freak out, let it go. I'm gonna live my life. I can't ever run and hide. I won't compromise. Cause I'll never know. I'm gonna close my eyes. I can't, watch the time go by. I won't keep it inside. Freak out, let it go. Just freak out, let it go. You don't always have to do everything right. Stand up for yourself and put up a fight. You don't care. Just freak out, let it go. I'm gonna live my life. I'm not going to run and hide. I can't close my eyes. I won't keep it inside. On my own...Let it go. Just let me live my life. I can't ever run and hide. I won't compromise cause I'll never know. Watch the time go by. I won't keep it inside. Freak out, let it go. I'm gonna freak out, let it go. - "Freak Out"

That was so Kick-ASS!

Well, Wonderland and paintballing was. We (we being me, my brother, his two friends, his friends' friend and his sister, and my cousin) spent Monday at Wonderland and it was kick ass. We went on: Skyrider, Top Gun, Vortex, Jet Scream and other rides, but I can't remember at the moment. Anyways, we spent nearly two hours at the arcade where Anthony was kicking everyone's asses at DDR and Dennis was getting really good at it. The funniest ride we went on was Jet Scream. Hehe, I was sitting beside Anthony. When we did a full 180-degree turn and we went down, I yelled, "I left my frigging stomach up there!!" Hehe. That's our little inside joke now. I got a henna tattoo that cost $13. It's pretty nice, but it's fading a little now. It's a dragon with black wings.

Then, yesterday, we (we being me, my brother, his two friends [Andrew and Dennis], and my two cousins [Anthony and Arnold...no, they're not half-brothers, despite the fact that's what they tell everyone.]) went paintballing. Dude, getting hit by a paintball HURTS. It seriously HURTS. So, anyways, what happened was that we paid and we had to wear these janitor-type-looking suits. We went into the arena and split up into teams. I was hiding most of the time. I'm more of a defender than an attacker. Anyways, we were one minute into the game when I felt this thing hit my leg. It seriously felt like a bullet. But, the paintball didn't explode, so it didn't count as a hit. Then, I heard my brother scream and he got hit right in the knuckles. It was nasty. His knuckles were all red and dotty. Then, we resumed the game. These three kids came (some little kid, his sister and friend) and they joined us. We played attack-and-defend. Then, my brother, Andrew, Dennis, Arnold, Anthony and that little kid (I think his name was Greg) left to get some more ammo. So only I, Olivia (Greg's sister), and Gailin (Greg's friend) were left. Gailin said that the game was still on even though half of us weren't there. So, Olivia and I were hiding inside the wooden castle and Gailin came up. I started shooting at him and hid behind the wall. I was going to walk to Olivia. I turned and at the last second, I saw the paintball coming at me. It hit my middle finger and exploded. IT SERIOUSLY HURT. Now, I have this red and purple bruise on my finger. I got hit in the hip again. My brother got hit in the knuckles and the ribs. Ouch.

Well, it's dinner now. So I must go...Later.

Can I Kill Myself Now?

Life is so miserable right now. I just realized school is starting in three weeks, which means I'll have to endure nine long, torturous, depressing, agonizing, excruciating, awful, pitiful, miserable, stupid months of my mother nagging me over my sleep-deprived body, screaming and yelling at me to work harder. Sigh. What's worse is that we have the Literacy Test thingamajig this year. Double sigh. We have Mr. Lee for science, which means I'm going to fail; Mr. Vermont for math, which also means I will fail even though math is my best subject; I have to join orchestra this year because my mother wants me to go to Europe; I'm going to fail Bible...again; and I am dreading taking accounting. Can I kill myself now?

I've wasted my summer vacation working and studying for stupid school and going to fricking summer school when I could've been doing more meaningful things like spending more time with friends, going to the pool, biking around, walking Cherry, sleeping in, reading the list of books I compiled at the end of school...

Geez. I must be seriously PMS'ing right now because every little thing bothers me and makes me want to strangle myself. Which reminds me, I'm trying to figure out which is the best way to die and/or kill yourself. So far, I think being thrown off an airplane and being impaled on the pointy thing at the top of the Empire State Building sounds good. After all, I've always wanted to free fall from an airplane, so I'll experience this adrenaline rush right before I die.

Okay, that was totally pointless. Well, right now, I'm reading "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and I'm nearly finished "Life, the Universe, and Everything." It is such a funny book. I love it. This is my favourite quote:

• [Arthur] sighed and put [the letter T (he's playing Scrabble by himself)] down again. The letter he put it down next to was an I. That spelt IT. He tossed another couple of letters next to them. They were an S and an H, as it happened. By a curious coincidence, the resulting word perfectly expressed the way Arthur was feeling about things just then.

Well, here I am...daydreaming, as always. Being the stupid, weird, demented, Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe-obsessed girl I am. I'm surprised I haven't been relocated into a mental institution. I am in a horrible mood right now. I have to go to my tutor soon and work for three hours with her. I'm going to sleep when I come back home.